things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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