Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
