I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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