having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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