Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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