I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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