oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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