So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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