I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
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Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
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