I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
