Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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