Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
