apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think your dad took our porno
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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