my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
