How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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