Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
