I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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