I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
