we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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