"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle