i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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