i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
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You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off