Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you