Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
