I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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