I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
