what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
