I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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