I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
