you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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