you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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