I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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