You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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