Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
