Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
