and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
