Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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