I'm lost and stupid without you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
