Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
