It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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