Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
