Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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