I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
