Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
