If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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