found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
