Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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