He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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