Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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