I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
