the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
