Even water is tasting like jack daniels
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
