Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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