I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
