I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
