if only i could text you this smell
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
