I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
