Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
dude. I can hear the air.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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