i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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